Shedistinction Interview

Recently, I was interviewed by Vera Ng’oma for the Shedistinction blog.

Read the full interview here.

Unhappy at work? Reflect on your values!

If you’re unhappy at work, take a moment to jot down what’s most important to you. For example:

🖋Connection with loved ones
🖋Autonomy in my job
🖋Making a difference
🖋Having fun
🖋Being a subject matter expert

Next, evaluate these values across three levels: the role, your manager, your company culture.

Review each value against each level and ask, is this value honored by my role, my manager, my company culture?

When your values aren’t honored by the inherent aspects of a role, this could mean career transition is in order.

When your values aren’t honored by your manager, moving to a new team in the organization could be in order.

When your values aren’t honored by the culture, departing the company could be in order.

Knowing where your values are violated is almost as important as knowing what you value.

I hope you find this as helpful as I did. This very exercise led me to quit my job and found Virtus Career Consulting.​

Destructive conflict response #4:​ DEFENSIVENESS

Anxious/protective in the face of criticism.

When we trust things will be okay regardless of the outcome of conflict, there’s no reason to be defensive. We can be open to different opinions.

At the heart of defensiveness is insecurity. We don’t want to admit failure, being wrong, or shortcomings. Did you know our brain treats intellectual threats the same as a physical one?

Thoughts that lead to defensiveness:
• Their opinion is off-base.
• This isn’t my fault.

To overcome defensiveness:

REFLECT.
• Do I tend to view criticism as a win/lose situation?
• Is there a fear-based reason I won’t face my short-comings?

REFRAME.
• “I’m being unfairly attacked. I need to defend myself.”
• Try: “This person cares enough to share feedback with me. I should remain open to see if I can improve.”

CHOOSE to be open and receptive. Be curious about the unique point of view others have that we don’t. Change your thinking that feedback is an attack. Self-awareness and openness to feedback is a top predicator of career success.

Commit to REFLECT, REFRAME, and CHOOSE to be open and receptive.

Destructive conflict response #3 – CAVING IN

Giving in to something after originally opposing.

Caving is in tempting; it feels like the quickest path to end a disagreement. Though, it typically means you sacrifice your legitimate rights. The pain of conflict can cause us to take shelter in this option.

This short-term gain, however, comes at the expense of long-term resolution and creates unbalanced, unhealthy power dynamics in your relationships.

Thoughts that lead to caving in:
• I don’t want to upset anyone.
• Putting up a fight just isn’t worth it.

To overcome caving in:

REFLECT.
• Do I often let others have their way to avoid interpersonal discomfort?
• Will I be satisfied with the outcome if I give in again, or will I be resentful?

REFRAME.
• “If I speak up, this could get messy. I’ll just go with the flow.”
• Try: “Healthy conflict is productive and leads to better results. It’s important I share my viewpoint.”

CHOOSE to be open and honest about your concerns, ideas, or opposing views. Healthy conflict is shown to increase commitment and accountability.

Commit to REFLECT, REFRAME, and CHOOSE a new perspective.

Destructive conflict response #2 – BELITTLING

Making someone feel unimportant.

There’s no one-size-fits-all reason why people belittle others. Some people are unaware of their behavior and may say a person is too sensitive, or dismiss it as humor, if brought up.

People may belittle because they have unresolved anger toward a person. Other times the behavior is rooted in insecurity; putting others down to lift themselves up.

Regardless, it’s important to realize belittling behavior destroys relationships.

Thoughts that lead to belittling:
• I’m going to make you look like a fool
• I’m going to show your idea doesn’t matter

To overcome belittling:

REFLECT.
• Have I been accused of putting someone down? Do I tend to rationalize it?
• Do I have unresolved resentment toward this person?
• Am I struggling with insecurities this person triggers?

REFRAME.
• “He/She is being so sensitive.”
• Try: “Maybe I’m not coming across as I intend.”

CHOOSE.
Explore a more respectful and tactful way to communicate. Evaluate if something should even be said. T.H.I.N.K.: Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind?

Commit to REFLECT, REFRAME, and CHOOSE a new behavior.